The Pie Baker

Fresh from the Oven

The 5 Signs of an Idiot

While reading the following account, you will no doubt mutter to yourself, “What an idiot!” You won’t be the only ones with the opinion. I even said it to myself during the adventure, so I am aware of the idiocy that enveloped me. But here’s the good news: I survived.

On Christmas Eve, the Pie and I visited Mimi and Poppy for a Christmas celebration. During the festivities, the region was hit with an historic blizzard that made traveling quite dangerous. Mimi and Poppy both insisted that we spend the night in their warm, dry, and comfortable home, but I apparently had taken leave of my senses and decided to drive home. The first sign that it was a bad idea was when I found myself lying prostrate in their snowy driveway. The second sign was my inability to open the car doors. The snow and ice had frozen them closed, but in my ever resourceful manner, I removed my shoe and banged on the door casing to remove the ice. When I eventually accessed the car, I grabbed the scraper and began my exercise in futility. The snow was coming down so fast; it simply replaced what I removed in a matter of seconds. Once I got the Pie into her car seat, we were on our way.

The third sign that I was a moron arrived about 40 feet later, when I attempted to stop at a stop sign and simply sailed on through the intersection. Thankfully, there were no other dopes on the road, so we were OK. Less than a mile (and 10 minutes) later, I had to pull into a gas station and knock the accumulated ice from the wipers. Winds blew at close to 50 miles per hour and in the few minutes I was outside the car, I turned into a middle-aged Frosty the Snowmommy! The Pie asked if I was OK, and not wanting to alarm her, I said, “Sure!” We were off again at the sound shattering speed of 11 miles per hour.

The drive from Mimi and Poppy’s house is mostly dark highway with few retail or residential areas. I convinced myself that the darker the better, so there would be no glare off of the snow. That was the fourth sign. I discovered that in limited light, I was unable to see the tracks from previous traffic, so I wandered all over the road. At one point, I noticed a pair of headlights bearing down on me – I realized I was driving on the wrong side of the highway and was about to turn the Pie and myself into a tragic headline. Fortunately, I maneuvered the car back into the appropriate lane and into another gas station parking lot to again knock the ice from the wipers. Each time I left the car, the snow blew onto my head and instantly froze in my hair. It was not a pretty sight.

It occurred to me that I should follow an SUV for as long as I could. I waited until one passed me and pulled in behind it. I focused on the taillights of the vehicle in front of me, certain that they were going the same place I was headed. Nope. When the SUV turned off the highway, I no longer had guiding lights. So, I pulled over again, knocked the ice from the wipers and waited for another large vehicle. Personally, I thought this idea was truly inspired, and should negate at least one sign of my idiocy.

After about an hour of driving in the blowing snow, feeling disoriented, cold and frustrated, I pulled into an oasis: Quik Trip! During the by now old hat ice whacking, I somehow inspired the windshield wipers to stop working altogether. This meant that I had to drive about 4 more miles with no wipers. And so I did. That would be sign number five. Traveling at no more than 15 miles per hour at any given time, a trip that usually takes 15 – 20 minutes, took a total of one hour and 12 minutes.

The one good thing about the drive was that the Pie was asleep for almost all of it. It’s like she knew that I needed no distractions and so she just nodded off. She awoke just as I pulled into our driveway. I’ve said it before: she’s a smart girl!

We made it home safely, took warm showers, drank cocoa and ate popcorn while we watched TV. I was never so happy to be home, snowed in with my baby girl. And I was never so mad at myself for risking both our lives needlessly. I learned that I really should pay more attention to signs!


December 29, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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