The Pie Baker

Fresh from the Oven

The World According to Me

Almost once every hour or so, I find myself annoyed by some particular nuisance or other. Could be a person, an event, a sound, a situation…whatever. In any event, I always think to myself: “If I was in charge, things would be vastly different.” What follows is a mere sampling of thoughts, ideas and philosophies. My own personal “isms”. In no particular order.

1. When you stop a total stranger on the street to ask for directions or for the time, always say “Thank You.” That person stopped what they were doing – talking with a friend, thinking about dinner, counting their steps – to answer you. The least they deserve is a “thank you.”

2. If you are on a cell phone, for God’s sake, finish your call BEFORE you get into an elevator! The cramped quarters are uncomfortable enough without having to hear both sides of a conversation about the “weekly numbers” or that rash that just won’t clear up. And if you don’t hang up – I will silently pray you will lose the connection when you get in the elevator. Serves you right.

3. An equal number of each color should go into each bag of Skittles. My favorite happens to purple (grape), but damned if there are only about 5 in a whole bag! I think I smell a discrimation lawsuit cooking!

4. ALL cars should come equipped with a phone and the license plate should show the phone number. That way, you could call and offer directions to a driver who continually changes lanes, inquire if the driver who swerving all over the road needs medical attention or if he just hammered, and advise the banger that there are fingers sticking out of the trunk and you just saw a cop a little ways back. Of course, some idiot would probably find some outrageous way to misuse this techonolgy and then it would have to be regulated….like cold medicine, paint thinner and cigarettes.

5. Seatbelts and helmets should be OPTIONAL! If a person wants to drive without restraints or protection, that should be their decision; likewise, a person who wants to can wear helmets and seatbelts. In reality, I sit right on the fence….there are times when I don’t want to wear it – if I’m just going around the corner to get gas, or if my pants are already a little tight, I don’t want something else squeezing me (unless it has a hairy chest and a deep voice)! Other times, I insist on it – particularly if I am in a lot of traffic and when the baby is in the car. After a notably scary car wreck a few years ago, I tend to wear a seatbelt almost all the time now. But helmets? Those crazy apes know the dangers and still some don’t wear helmets. I say OK – let’s call it the modern version of “Survival of the Fittest.” If you’re dumb enough to not wear seat belts or helmets, then you probably deserve to get yourself smeared all over the pavement.

6. If you were not born in the United States, but came here for education, OK – stay until school is done, then GO THE HELL HOME! If you decide to stay in this country and get a job, fine, but FIRST – get a social security number! Working illegals cost the country billions of dollars every year. And in the meantime, do everything you can to become a citizen of the USA. If you have no intention of becoming a citizen, then GO THE HELL HOME! And another thing…this nation was founded on a belief in God – says so on all our money – so if you don’t like our God, GO THE HELL HOME! I get so tired of minorities and ethnic groups getting so much free government assistance when there are people who need help who don’t belong to those factions who struggle every day to make ends meet. Meanwhile, the Salvadoran hoochie that cleans my office building wears Juicy Coture sweats and drives a new Lincoln Navigator….WTF?

7. Don’t tell someone they are going to Hell if they are not a Christian. Seriously? On any given day, I can name at least one thing I have done that day to warrant going to Hell that has nothing to do with whether I believe in God – which I do, BTW. If you profess to be a Christian, then show it in your actions, words and deeds. Don’t browbeat someone because they happen to have a difference perspective…because a few minutes after you take your last breath, you don’t want to find yourself sitting next to that person, now do you?

OK – carry on….to be continued….

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March 6, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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